What do teenagers need most?
I am not sure if you have read the post ‘What children need most’. It may surprise you to learn that teenagers need the same things from you, but with a different lens. The parent-teenager relationship remains paramount, however the focus is and should be more supporting rather than saving. By that I mean that the parent gently encourages the teenager to own their behaviours, understand the factors at play and come up with their own solutions, rather than stepping in, taking over and attempting to solve it for them. Shifting from managing to coaching.
It is really important to remember that we all learn, grow and develop from making mistakes. Our teenagers need to hear this message from us! What is equally important is that our teenagers know we are here to support, to love unconditionally, but to question and seek that they respect our family values. Teenagers need and want to feel independent; to be individuating from their parents, but at the same time, knowing they can come to you for love and support, encouragement and guidance. No wonder it is a very confusing time for them (and difficult for you)!!!
In the post regarding children needs, I referred to the learnings from neuroscience; the human brain is designed to develop properly in the context of human relationships. Children learn and function best in the context of a strong relationship with the primary person or person who cares for them. Teenagers are no different, but their world is somewhat expanded and includes friends and peers, other adults (teachers, coaches, relatives, employers) and societal influences, like social media. This presents challenges for parents. To navigate this change in the relationship, parents need to apply some new concepts. The teenager needs to know that their opinions, thoughts and needs will be considered in the relationship. You need to hear them out. But here is another confusing thing for a teenager; they are still seeking some guidance and direction from you, even when it does not quite match what they want! Teenagers, like children, need love, safety and predictability. They do not want you to just give in to them. Sure, at times, they will push back and argue, say it isn’t fair, remind you they are no longer a child and inform you that everyone of their friends is allowed to do this! The parent needs to exert their authority, in a democratic and empathic way, and support the teenager to understand they are acting in the their best interest and of the family. It is very difficult, but it reaps rewards in time.
I highly recommend a book written by Dr Andrew Wake, a child and adolescent Psychiatrist, titled ‘The Good Enough Parent’. Dr Wake shares his insights from having worked with countless children and adolescents in a therapeutic way. It is a fabulous book.
“A mother’s love doesn’t make her son more dependent and timid; it actually makes him stronger and more independent”