Parenting Approaches
Parenting Approaches:
For a long time I have been interested in differing parent approaches, the concept of ‘the good enough’ parent and the ingredients that resonate with raising well-adjusted, emotionally resilient and functioning adults. Research, evidence, practice wisdom and personal experience have shaped my understanding of parent approaches and I now understand how your approach to parenting your child is everything! This is the key concept that the Parenting Coach platform is based on. would like to explore this with you further.
Parenting skills such as feeding, settling, dressing, playing, reading to our children can be easily learned. The skill in and of itself is relatively straightforward. What can complicate the translation of these skills is how we deliver them to our child and the response from our child. Our approach significantly determines the outcome. Our child’s temperament plays a significant role as well however a parent tuned in to their child will alter their approach to work in partnership, in unison, with their child to achieve an outcome where everyone’s needs are met.
Let me give you an example. A more playful approach is perfectly suited to young children and unless there are matters of safety ( for example teaching your child about crossing the road or not going near an open fire) it is more successful. I found the morning routine of preparing three young children for the day commonly left me feeling exasperated, berated and usually late for someone. I acknowledged that as the parent it was my responsibility to set the timetable as I was the only one who had the concept of time commitments, not the children. The tasks of dressing, feeding, preparing lunches was my responsibility as the children were too young to be able to complete these independently. It was my parenting approach that needed to change . I committed to starting the processes earlier and being more playful in my approach. I composed (!) a ditty for washing faces…fairy dust, fairy dust, toothpaste, cereal! All three children responded positively to the cues and understood what was expected of them. The morning routine became much easier, less stressful and we were on time (mostly!).
As children develop your parenting approach should also develop to be more responsive to what they now need from you. Young children need you to proactively sort things out for them (as the above example illustrates) but it is important for parents to give children more responsibility for their own actions as they move through primary school. These are important and essential life skills for children to learn and it is a key responsibility of parents to become more supportive rather than actively doing. It can be challenging as a parent because our nurturing tendency wants to ‘save’ our children but they learn, develop and mature by sorting things out for themselves with our support. Depending on the age of the child and their own temperament the level of support will look different for each child and may be influenced by the situation.
So what do you do if your 10 year old comes home from school and states “they failed a test because their teacher is stupid and didn’t teach them anything”? A ‘saving approach’ might be to go to the school and discuss with the Principal your concerns regarding the skills of the teacher or a ‘supportive approach’ might be to discuss with the child if they understood the topic in class, did they ask the teacher for some help, did they prepare for the test, were they tired and hungry at the time and this will allow the child to consider more possibilities and other ways of dealing with this disappointment of not doing well in a test. Letting children work things out for themselves supports them in developing competence, resilience and self esteem.
Children (and adults) learn more from making mistakes. I love this quote from Dr Andrew Wake ‘ the vast majority of learning comes not from being close and being perfect but from when we return and mistakes are repaired’ (The ‘Good Enough’ Parent, 2012). This describes the ‘repairing approach’ and is applicable to older primary school children. I remember my Dad had a saying … unless you have killed someone I will have to take you to the police station, but everything else we can work out. Of course there needs to be consequences for poor behaviour choices but it is always vital to unpack the emotions behind the behaviour. As I have previously suggested, behaviour is a mirror into the mind and the emotions, intentions, beliefs being felt. At this point it is important to note that as parents we need to have our own emotions and relationships in a positive state if we are going to successfully coach our children through these experiences. Bit like on the airplane when they say to put on your own oxygen mask first before you help you children!
Underpinning these parenting approaches (playful, supportive and repairing ) is the need to show integrity and patience. By this I mean that your actions speak louder than words, so there is no point telling your child to put their mobile device away at the dinner table if you are however, accepting phone calls that have not been agreed as important (like a business call). There will be times when your preferred approach just might not work at this time and in this situation and you need to cooperate with where your child is at and give in, just this time.
The great thing about parenting is all of this will make sense as your child develops and grows because you know them so very well, you are the expert! Yes they will confuse you at times and give mixed signals but if your relationship is strong it can weather any storm and if you are confident in your parenting approach you will know (roughly) what to do. Your child will thrive in this predictability and learn the necessary life skills to become emotionally resilient and confident.