What do children need most?

The answer is quite simple: you and the relationship you share. The parent-child relationship is paramount. Dr Jack Shonkoff, a renowned Paediatrician who presented ground breaking research in the early 2000’s and changed our understanding about the key factors that play a critical importance in the early years in a child’s life, said a nurturing, stable and consistent relationship with a parent is the key to healthy growth, development and learning in a child. Neuroscience currently confirms that children are born ready to learn and the best learning happens in a nurturing relationship where they are talked to, played with and socialised, where they can explore and are kept safe whilst being nourished and loved. You might think that this makes common sense and it does. But over many decades the emphasis on this relationship between a parent and a child has been challenged by lifestyle and societal changes.

According to neuroscience the human brain is designed to develop properly in the context of human relationships. Children learn and function best only in the context of a strong relationship with the primary person or person who cares for them. The strength of our relationships is social, we are the most social creatures on earth. One of the most important roles as a parent is to help your child become a social being and this occurs in the context of having a relationship with your child. Through this connection your child will learn through being engaged in a relationship with you, listening, imitating, watching and copying, trying and repeating, using and learning. It is important to note that children mostly learn from imitation rather than instruction so that old saying “its not what I say but what I do” rings true.

To illustrate this example let’s look at introducing foods to babies. The best way to try and set up good eating habits for your child is to create a social atmosphere whereby the family come together and share a meal and stories from their day. As a parent you provide the nutritious foods and the child decides what they would like to eat. The child is offered a food at least 15 times before you commit to believing they don’t like it. When the meal time is over family members are acknowledged and it is reinforced there is no more food until the next meal time. Through this consistent and reinforced social ritual, children learn and understand behavioural expectations around family meal times, healthy eating choices and connecting with family. All vital skills required for healthy growth and development learned through social relationships in a safe and nurturing environment, called home.

I like this quote from Regina Pally, The Reflective Parent. How to Do Less and Relate More with Your Kids, “the (parent-child) relationship is the fertile soil in which your child’s roots are planted so that your child can flourish and bloom”.